Re-evaluating

First things first I did good yesterday. I actually should have eaten more I think, I'm not sure if it's good to have such a large deficit all the time.

If you can't tell (my handwriting is horrible.) I had a deficit 1498.

Burned 2503 total

Anyways I have been thinking a lot the last few days about the changes I'm making food wise. I have been trying to be realistic when it comes to my "diet". I try not to think of it as a diet because that seems temporary to me. I want this to be a while lifestyle change, not just something to loose weight. I know if I just eat a certain way to loose weight I won't ever kept it off. I also know I am going to eat pizza and fast food now and then. It's not ideal. I hope someday I will be eating all homemade food but if I say I won't ever eat these things I will binge when I do. It will be forbibben. I don't want to forbid myself anything, just moderate it.

Some of my weaknesses so to speak are junk food (chips, dips mostly) and soda. Which is why you see chips and dip on my food log yesterday. I dished out a small serving and was totally satisfied with it for the most part. For like 5 minutes after I ate them I had to urge to just go get the bag and container and just eat. I distracted myself by playing with my son. I didn't even think about it again until I went to bed last night.

Soda is a little different. I want it to be more of a special occasions type thing. I immediately went to get one with lunch yesterday, opened it and took a few sips. I realized I wasn't even enjoying it so I put it back in the fridge for my husband later. I got the urge to get one again today but resisted and I don't even want one now. I'm going to save them for times when I really want them and will enjoy them. Otherwise it's so easy for me to keep drinking and drinking them. That is a lot of empty calories.

Fast food, I'm ashamed to admit how much I have eaten in the past. I'm really trying to not eat it as much or at all. I use to get it every night coming home from work. Lately I've been trying to eat before I leave work. It's tricky to pack that much, especially now that I'm staying away from home for my whole rotations. I can't really leave stuff at the house I'm staying at because everything is up for grabs. Anyways I've started eating these healthy choice fresh mixers most nights. I don't now exactly how much healthier than fast food this really is. But they are less calories and I don't feel quiet as blah after eating them. If anyone has some suggestions I'm open to them. I just need things I can keep in my car because I don't really have the space at work to leave 4 nights worth of dinners. These at least don't spoil in the 100 degree weather.

Weigh In- 8/16

Yesterday went pretty much as I expected. I am happy that it was my last day for a few, it was getting pretty emotional. I did find that I was a little more sedentary yesterday than previous days. Luckily I realized it and did some marching in place for the last few hours of my shift and ended up with a deficit.

Just my food log, I didn't really see anything interesting to write notes on. Deficit of 1097 yesterday.

Burned 2477

I didn't weigh in last week so I was a little nervous this week to see what I'd weigh. I can't say I'm surprised at the number.

178.8; a 1 pound gain from two weeks ago.

And I get this mean guy on my bugg when I fall behind. Basically instead of loosing 1 pound a week I've averaged .47 a week. Overall I'd hoped to loose 5 pounds and I've lost 2.

I'm honestly ok with the number. I knew that it would be a gain. But I did my best to turn it around before I got sucked into old habits. I know that there are going to be weeks where I don't do as well as I want. I'm just proud I didn't let it totally drag me down.

I went for a run today. Just wanted to do something light and see how my knee would do. I ran half a mile but only 1/10 at a time. I alternated between running and walking. I woke up in a bad mood and almost didn't go on my run. The only thing that made me go was knowing that it would be so easy to do the same thing tomorrow and Saturday. Then that would be another week down without running. I really need to get on this, I have just under 2 months until my 5k. I know a 5k doesn't seem like much and my only goal is to run the whole thing. I hope I'm not getting above myself, maybe in a month I will be in better shape and I will set a time oriented goal. But for now I just want to run the whole thing.

To Laugh or Cry

I've mentioned before that I live 2/12 hours from where I work. Lately I've been staying with one of my husbands family members to try and save on gas, wear and tear on the car and possible some of my sanity. While it's proving true for the first two, I'm not so sure about the sanity part.

Don't get me wrong, I totally appreciate that they let me stay here and watch my son (I pay them for that but still). It's giving me flashbacks from when I lived in the dorms that one semester. Fighting for shower time, people eating my food and not replacing it, loud antics that go well into the night, ect. It has been trying to say the least. I don't mean to come off rude and uncaring; it's just freakishly hard to live like this after moving into my own home and living like that for the last 6 years or so.  Anyways I'm telling you all this just to tell you what happened to me this morning.

I woke up early because me and one of the people living there both have been needing to shower at the same time. Last night I told him I was waking up early and would be out in time for him to get in around 5:30. So when I woke up, really having to pee, to find the doors to the bathroom locked I was furious. But I figured I'd just take this time to read a little and get in when he got out. Half an hour later he hadn't come out and I didn't hear any sounds coming from the bathroom. It has two entrances and they've locked them both on accident before so I knocked a bunch then used a spoon to unlock the door. And there he was sleeping in the bath tub. Like he had taken a bath and fallen asleep there. His head was above water, don't worry I checked. So needless to say I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to wake him up...talk about awkward but I needed to shower. I ended up just washing my hair in the sink and used some baby wipes to get the areas that needed it most. Hopefully I don't smell. Has anyone else had awkward situations when living with someone else?

Yesterday I did good again. It was much like the day before and much like today is going to be. I have been trying to eat breakfast lately because everyone says it's what is best for my body. I dunno I feel hungrier when I do that but I am going to try to eat within 30 minutes of getting up for the next two or three weeks and see if I notice any difference. Do you guys have this problem?

My food log again, some more random notes and I tried to come up with some ideas for lunch at home.

I find I eat the same thing for lunch over and over again at home. Then I get sick of it, end up eating something really bad. Which makes me say screw it and I eat like crap for the rest of the day. I couldn't really come up with anything though. I will look for more recipes today but if you have any suggestions please let me know. I want to try some new things.

Getting Better

My knee has been tons better the past few days. I just rested and tried to keep the binge eating to a minimum. I got better each day, it helped that I felt like crap from all the junk I had eaten. I stopped wearing my bugg for a few days, I just didn't want to get discouraged. That's when I find my self stuffing my face the most.

I was supposed to go back to work Sunday but got called off for four and eventually all twelve hours of my shift. I took advantage of this and took my son to the "dino" museum. He had a blast and we walked around for close to four hours.It was really fun for both of us. I was worried he wouldn't like it or get bored after 20 minutes. But there were tons of hands on stuff for him. He liked some so much he did them over and over. It was also pretty empty and that helped a lot. I ate well so I'm happy with the day.

T-Rex at the museum.

Work yesterday was hard, unfortunately emotionally and not physically. I actually was sitting most of the day,although I tried to stand and march or just stand a lot. Luckily I met my deficit for the day. I
I'm proud I made good choices and all in all it was probably good for my knee.

Burned 2381

Sorry this one is extra hard to read. It's my food log, a recipe for cookie dough hummus (I think I found on runsforcookies.com but not positive)  and some other random notes. I had a deficit of 1455!

I knew today would be much like yesterday so I planned it out and am sure I will meet my deficit again, we will see tomorrow for sure.

Otherwise that's that. I'm a little nervous putting pictures of me and my son up here so I'm holding off. I dunno if I ever will. I just worry that some crazy person will find him and I dunno...

Oh and this is from my phone so I hope it doesn't look too weird.

Frustration

Yesterday I was really upset with myself. My vacation ends bright and early Sunday morning but I've hardly used this time to really workout. I felt like a huge looser and just upset because I want to get out there and run. I want to make this work so much. Monday I had to get the house in order, I'd planned on doing that Sunday but I took it easy in hopes that my migraine would stay away. That worked but didn't leave much time for a workout since I had a concert Monday night 4 hours away.

Tuesday I woke up so excited, I had my running clothes right next to the bed so I would just get up and go. I went to go wake up my son when I heard a funny noise. I paused and realized the noise was hail. Weird right, hail. Had it just been me I may have run anyways, especially when it stopped hailing and just kept raining. But the last thing I wanted was for my 3 year old to get sick because I took him out in the rain. I did a few little workouts but didn't feel like it did the job.

Wednesday started out like Tuesday except I was exhausted. I got to bed super later, 2 AM and was woken up at 6:30. But I figured I should just go and run or I'd loose my umph and be lazy. I didn't push too hard but still ran a decent amount, half a mile split up into 3 chunks. Not amazing I know but I'm getting there. I felt super sore everywhere after the run and was happy thinking that maybe my workout the day before had done the job. As I was getting out of the shower my leg felt weird, it gave out on me and on the floor I ended up. I sat there stunned and tried to get up but my leg wouldn't support me. This is an awful lot like what happened in high school. My knee was really swollen so I kinda just wall hopped to the couch with some ice.  I spent the rest of the day pretty much like this. I would try every so often to put weight on my leg with no success. I felt desvestated and frustated. I don't remember anything happening on my run, it was fine.

I'm not proud of what happened next, I am a huge emotional eater. I get this thought that the food will make me feel better  and the entire time I indulge I feel horrible. Which makes me eat more. I don't even want to guess how many calories I consumed. A collasal amount.

This morning I woke up and my knee was a little swollen, sore but I would walk. I have no idea what caused this. I'm not quiet sure what to do next. I tried really hard all day not to fall into the same routine as yesterday and eat so much. I was not successful. Not as bad as yesterday but still ate like crap and drank a sad amount of soda.

I'm working hard on finding better ways to make myself happy and to relieve stress. But I will be honest pretty much everything I've done is physical. Running use to be the top one but dancing, boxing and yoga have been good subsittutes when I don't fall into my food trap. I think I need to rest my leg, I can't miss work on Sunday. I will try again next Thursday, my first day off and see how it goes. If this happens again I will see my doctor. I talked to her a bit a few months again about this issue when I started thinking about running again. She took a look at my knee and did a MRI just to be sure and told me she saw no reason I couldn't so I'm hping this was just a fluke.

Sorry to be such a bummer. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has these issues with eating. Does anyone have a good method that helps you? Especially when you're feeling at your lowest?

Migraines

 Every once in a while I suffer from migraines. It is horrible because they tend to stick around for a few days and all I can really do is sit up for a while before I lay down again. Which is pretty much how I spent the last half of Friday and all of yesterday. I'm just happy my husband was home to watch after our son, otherwise it would have been a disaster. Anyways I'm telling you all of this because it makes me super proud that I ran Friday morning/afternoon. I forgot to turn my little run app on so I don't know exactly how far I ran; but it was farther than I have yet. Very specific, I know. I think my new jogging stroller helped a ton. It's a $300 stroller I bough for $30 used. I felt like a super star when I bought it.

Just a few shots of the cows I see when I do run. X loves them.

The new stroller. Love it!

This is from my bugg. I was all alone with my son for the last of Friday so that explains why I have burned so much at the end. The bonus is that I've never burned as much as 8.5 calories per minute before.

In other news I'm feeling much better. However I have no idea what my deficite has been like for the past few days because I've been a bum and just snacked here and there. I'm hoping I just don't gain too much come Thursday. I'm on vacation right now so hopefully I can use that to get some extra workouts in.

It has been crazy

This last week has been crazy, it feels like two in one. I worked a few extra days of overtime trying to save up for Vegas in about two months. I hope we can go and have a great time. My computer has really been acting up lately so the few times I've tried to get on and blog I've given up because it frustrates me so much. Last week I weighed in at 177.4. I lost another pound! And then the chaos started.

Friday I went to the mall with my mom. My brother signed up to be in the Navy and she needed some moral support. I'm very proud of him but he's my mom's youngest so it's hard for to see him growing up. We did tons of walking that day and I burned almost 3000 calories and only took in about 1600. I was feeling so great.

 Then I lost my bodybugg display. I was devastated. I just bought it and they don't come cheap (about $60 since it's constantly on "sale"). It has helped me tremendously in loosing any weight. Without it I don't know how many calories I burn unless I am constantly plugging my bodybugg in. And honestly that is just not possible. I know someday I won't use my bugg. I don't want to wear it forever. But it makes life easier while I'm loosing weight. I will cross the bridge of not wearing my bodybugg when I get to my goal weight.

I tried to stay strong and just stick to around 1400-1600 calories a day. Hoping I'd take in less than I burned. I'm an emotional eater, I'm working really hard to learn when I'm hungry and when I'm just trying to fill a void. The display really helps with that because I can see how many calories I've burned and if I really need food or not. I'm already getting better at identifying if I am really hungry or just sad or angry.

Saturday I took X to my mom's because she was going to watch him this week while I worked. She pretty much unloaded the bombshell that my parents are separating and it's getting pretty nasty. I love my mom and we've always been more friends than mother/daughter so I was the one she vented to about all of this. It's honestly messed with me some.

Tack on my lack of sleep, traveling so far for work after months, stress at work and I became a bowl of emotions. I did pretty well at keeping within my calories for each day though. I am proud of this but I failed at working out at all. I want to take my stress filled energy and use it to workout but I'm having a hard time when I'm so tired after getting only 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I know this is just and excuse, heck maybe I'd sleep better if I did my workouts.

I am on vacation from work so I'm going to really focus on getting into a routine with my workouts. I haven't lost my total drive, I just need to overcome the part of me that says it is just easier to hang at home than go outside. Plus I found my bugg, which makes me want to push that much harder.

This week I gained .4 pounds. Not horrible. Could be due to a million things. All the stress, not eating enough, eating too much, not working out at all. Either way I just hope next week I will be back on track.

Sorry for the scattered, rambling post. I just wanted to touch base but it's late and I am sooo ready for bed. :)